So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
