So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
