I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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