If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
