his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
