wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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