I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
