I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize