my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
