Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
