In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
