dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
How's work?
Spinning.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
