I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
