And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
