That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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