My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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