I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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