I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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