That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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