That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
