I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
