apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
