sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
