The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
