I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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