Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
