My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
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