Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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