Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
