i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
