You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
