I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
