How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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