I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
