Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
