its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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