I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
