Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
