I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
