What did we do last night that was yellow?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
