Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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