her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
