I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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