oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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