i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
