I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
