Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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