your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
