I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
