If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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