In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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