I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
