maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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