i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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