You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize