his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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