Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
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